Happy birthday to me

There is something to this breakfast in bed thing. I could get use to it. But it looks like they reversed my birth year. I was born in 1974, not 1947.

Crepeville at Davis

Probably not the best place to goto for someone that gets annoyed with people waiting in line during COVID. But the eye candy and people watching on a nice Sunday morning can’t be beat so in line I guess I’ll stay.

There is something to be said for the youth and energy of a college town. And the old man/daddy eye candy that is all around doesn’t hurt things either. It does make me miss working at a college bookstore. Maybe if I get fed in a reasonable amount of time I’ll walk around a bit.

I want to get the lady with the dog kicked out so I can take her seat. But I’m not going to be catty and dramatic; just going to be thankful for the seat I have.

Watching the friends, the families, the couples getting together for Sunday brunch. In the distance I can hear the live music coming from Davis park. The meds much be working as I’m not lamenting my lonely existence like I usually do or trying to matchmaker myself with everyone that walks by.

The champagne in the mimosa is dry but the alcohol in it is nice, like welcoming an old friend.

My mind is wondering what kind of face I need to have for someone to come up and talk with me

Probably not the face you want to walk up to. Maybe the mimosa will get a smile out of me
French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, mimosa, iced mocha, water.

The food is good, if not for the fact it’s the same thing I get whenever I come here. I really should order a crepe the next time I come here.

It never ceases to amaze me how tethered we are to our phones. The irony of me typing this on my phone is not lost on me.

I would love to stay and just casually look at people all day, but I can already feel the lonely and jealous thoughts forming and n the back of my mind. **sigh** not sure if the mimosa is helping me or those thoughts. Let me get my Mint Mojito from Philz coffee and drive back to the imaginary safety of my room.

Saturday on Vacaville

Chocolate cannoli & peach smoothie

Downtown at the German bakery wait for Barry to get his hair cut at Barber Joe’s. After a year of COVID, it is nice to be able to sit outside with a snack & drink and just people watch. To forget about all the other troubles in the world and the ones that I have. Can’t totally escape the world though. For every 5-10 people & couples a homeless person walks by. Were they always here 30 years ago when we were pretending to play adult and have coffee drinks at Cafe Dolcè? *sigh* To be close to homelessness but elite enough to casually think about the homeless problems while eating at a patio café; this country is really fucked up on different levels.

The meds continue to throw my body and mind out of wack, although maybe the haze that I’m on is what I need right now.

Not doing well

I am not doing well.  The meds and my DBT training keep me from falling into the abyss, but how long can I be held suspended over said abyss, staring into the darkness everyday.  Even if the rope holds, how long can I stare into the darkness before my mind is swallowed up by it.  I look at all of the things and people that are suppose to bring me joy and I feel nothing.  The happines class tells me that I just need to lie to myself and eventually I will believe the lie.  But they dont teach me how to believe the lie.  Not that I really need them to teach me how to lie to myself, I do that on my own every day.  But I can’t get myself to believe in the lie of being happy and the lie of loving myself.  I’ve lied to mysef and others in order to keep myself alive but those lies are slowly coming apart and eventually I won’t have those chains to keep me here.  Then what?  Once all the lies are gone, then what. Maybe the peace that I want so badly, the peace I don’t get while sleeping or wasting my life away.  **sigh**  Probably not the thoughts that I should be releasing from my head…

Video

Depresive thoughts

I finally got myself out of bed around 11am and into the the shower and I had Billie Eilish “Everything I Wanted” in my head and I was softly singing it and I realized that I had changed the words around to made is depressing and suicidal.  That’s how fucked up my mind is, how whatever goes into it just gets turned and twisted.

Happy National Joe Day

Only I could make myself this miserable on a fake national holiday dedicated to me.

What the Signs like in bed.

How likely are you to SNAP and KILL someone?

Am I that wound up?

Difficult Person Test

Results:

You are an easy person to get along with (22.14%).

 

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Explanation of Facets:

Callousness is characterized by lacking empathy or concern for others. People high in callousness typically have deficits in genuine social sentiments and are often experienced by others as coarsely uncivil. In other words, they often make people feel uncomfortable.

Grandiosity can be described as having a grandiose sense of self-importance and the thought that one is better than others. People high in grandiosity often tout their abilities and their accomplishments while downplaying the contributions of others. They tend to put themselves on a pedestal and have a sense of entitlement about them.

Aggressiveness is the tendency to behave rudely and with hostility toward others. Aggressiveness may be doubly hurtful to others if combined with callousness, since the aggressive person may thus be both intimidating and unfeeling in their demeanor.

Suspicion is the tendency to harbor a strong and unreasoning distrust of others. Suspicious people often question the motives of even those who act loyally and devotedly toward them. Such people are often reluctant to open up to others and may interpret kind-hearted gestures as attempts to deceive them.

Manipulativeness is the inclination to exploit others to derive benefits for oneself. Manipulative people take other people for granted and use them to realize their own wishes and goals, thinking little of interpersonal reciprocity or the rights of others. Such people often exhaust and frustrate those around them, since they give little in return for the services and favors they extract from others.

Dominance is the tendency to put on airs of superiority and talk down to others. Domineering individuals have a strong desire to be seen as leaders and often react with combativeness when they cannot get what they want. They frustrate others by meddling in their affairs and with their attempts to control the decisions of those around them.

Risk-taking is the propensity to engage in risky behavior for the sake of experiencing thrills. People high in this trait impulsively seek sensations to overcome boredom, and often get pleasure from shocking others with their adventures and stunts. Risk-takers often make those around them ill at ease since their actions may have consequences for others as well as themselves.

 

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References

  • Krauss, S. (2020). 7 Basic personality ingredients of difficult people. Psychology Today.
  • Pincus, A. L. (2013). The Pathological Narcissism Inventory. In J. S. Ogrodniczuk (Ed.), Understanding and treating pathological narcissism (p. 93–110). American Psychological Association.
  • Samton, J. (2020). The four most difficult personalities and how to handle them. Inc.
  • Schoenleber, Michelle & Roche, Michael & Wetzel, Eunike & Pincus, Aaron & Roberts, Brent. (2015). Brief-Pathological Narcissism Inventory (B-PNI).
  • Sleep, C. E., Crowe, M. L., Carter, N. T., Lynam, D. R., & Miller, J. D. (2020, October 15). Uncovering the structure of antagonism. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment. Advance online publication.